1. If you read those poems, you should tell me how to make them better. They're babies. They need refinement (revision). Like, "That line makes no sense," or "Punctuation?" or "Repetitive!"... that kind of stuff.
2. Thanks for the compliments, friends... those are nice too since I'm generally not into sharing much. Even when you give me too much credit. Thanks for the encouragement :)
5 comments:
hey, I'll comment on your poems soon... I've gotta read them over some so I can try to be more helpful than simply saying, "Wow, these are beautiful. Simply beautiful," as I'd really like to say.
hope you are well!
thanks, i would certainly appreciate tips from a poet such as yourself! i still read your blog, you know, i'm just a quiet reader ;) i hope you are well and enjoying a much-needed break (read that you're finally done with classes)!
When i read the last post that you left (and have removed), I was concerned that you wouldn't need my feedback anymore--which I had still been intending to give you... I'm glad to still be able to write about your poems--sorry for such a delay. (And I would post on the actual poems, but they were already full with comments)...
I really liked your poem "Cassiopeia". Here are some of the lines / phrases that I absolutely loved--for their elegance and beauty, among other things:
-"mossy shingles"
-"my feet are numb with night" (this has a nice ring to it)
-"our toes were in Gitchee Gumee"
-"firefly ambassadors"
I thought your poem achieved a sense of the beauty of Cassiopeia and the newness of her; but, as I admit how little I know about the subject, I admit also that I hoped your poem would inform me some of the story of Cassiopeia, what she looks like (aside from being a constellation), etc. I think there is a lot of room in this poem to develop the scene. I felt like I was there--"sitting on [your] roof, ... [on] mossy shingles" and, like the speaker of the poem, I was being introduced to "Cassiopeia"; however, I never really got introduced. I mean, I'm still full of questions about her... who is she? / what's her story? / does her story parallel the speaker's story in any way? / why did the "you" of the poem introduce the speaker to "Cassiopeia" in the first place?... (once you get started developing / getting answers to these questions, you may decide you don't need to answer them all in full... of course, I'm sure you already know this.)
The last stanza is also slightly confusing for me, because of the lines "The only better way / to meet a star / might be with..." What confuses me here is that I had envisioned the scene (on the roof--what I referred to above) as involving two people: the speaker and the "you" to whom she addresses the poem. The word "better" in these lines, however, suggest that the speaker didn't "meet a star... with firefly ambassadors", nor with her "hand in yours" as she wished she had.
I guess this last bit of confusion has something to do with the development of the scene and also, as your neighbor friend said, with the development of the characters / relationships. Otherwise, I think you have a great poem and a great ability the shape language... keep it up!
Okay, this was a really long comment... now I'll say something about "The Way Of Things" -- in a separate comment block... let me know if my comments don't make sense or if you have specific questions.
nikki,
i'm so sorry... i just spent a really long time commenting on your other poem and then it the internet connection was lost and the comment, deleted. i'm frustrated and lack the energy right now to try and reconstruct what was lost... but, maybe i'll do so at another time... again, sorry... blah.
i did, of course, really enjoy the poem!
thanks a ton for your detailed feedback, bethany. i will probably address it more later (i'm sick and desperate for a nap right this moment) but if it is any help to answer some of your confusion with cassiopeia, she is a queen sitting in a throne. maybe i'll post a picture :)
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