through the fog

I've been devastatingly discouraged this week. I don't know which way is up. I want to just read Harry Potter (my mom gave me all 7 as an early birthday gift) and pretend reality doesn't exist.

Everything comes back to my sin. I sin, but pretend I don't, and in doing so, sin more; I sin, but judge others for their sin, and in doing so, sin more; I beg God to transform me, but choose to stay as I am, and in doing so, sin more. I feel awful. I lack the energy to change - but then, could I do anything about it anyway?

My pride and my fear hold me back from so much. Instead of living unabashedly for the gospel, I shirk back from saying the words I could say. I dishonor God so much every day. And I don't know how to change. Can he forgive me? I honestly don't know. I think repentance needs to be accompanied by a change, but I know I can't change myself. It's going to take an act of the Lord to bring my heart to life, to make it overflow with joy and bear witness to his name in a non-hypocritical - but bold - way. If I were him, having known me and my patterns this far, I don't know if I'd bother with me.